wanna go halves on a baby?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
