Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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