I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
