i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
