I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
