Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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