I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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