I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
