oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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