You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
