I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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