a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
