i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
