if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
