I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
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i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
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Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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