the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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