OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
