Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.