last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You Will Never Meet Anyone More Annoying Than These 23 People
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'