Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?