so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
