That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
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since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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