hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
