My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she smelled like a LAN party
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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