You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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