it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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