I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
