Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize