So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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