I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
