So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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