Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
