just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
