I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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