When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
