I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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