Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
