I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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