she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize