thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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