laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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