They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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