Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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