i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
