he puts the penis in happiness.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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