so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
