puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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