do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
