Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
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He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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