We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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