I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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