Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
