I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
