i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
