u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
