when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
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Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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